COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
You Might Also Like
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
How it started How it’s going
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.