[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
You Might Also Like
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Steam Forums
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger