I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
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Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
“you changed” bro i was 15
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
My neck my back my allergy attack
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class