Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
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whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.