Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
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“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
I ate everything, including the H.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
#Thanos #MondayMood
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password