My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
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[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
LMAO
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
i hate you platonically
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.