Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
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Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.