Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
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saving face 👀
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed