Had a spot of bother earlier.
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me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
im all 3
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂