dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
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Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
thinking about a very short hotdog
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.