People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
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Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM