Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
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Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”