We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
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triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Only short people can save us
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?