Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
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My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.