Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
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*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.