My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
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People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Body by Oreos
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.