ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
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year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
me hooking up with my ex
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.