you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
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If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us