[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
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People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I found your tweet-up…
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.