idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
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her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Just a phase…
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.