hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
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Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.