i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
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“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
They got a point!
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Chicago sounds lovely.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.