Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
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I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.