[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
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Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.