ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
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Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet