“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
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*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken