I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
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If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Miscakes
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?