I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
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casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!