Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
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Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”