A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
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BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…