I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
You Might Also Like
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?