15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
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Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)