My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
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SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground