If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
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okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?