Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
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Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster: