Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
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The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
the way this pissed me off… 😭
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Namaste