I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
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Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
My apartment is a mess, I should move
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit