Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
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I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Worth a try
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
christening a ship with an overripe banana
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.