You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
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Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same