Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
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WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
This will never not be funny to me.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.