[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
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son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
estão todos miauvindo?
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Does it…does it take 3 days
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT