I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
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For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.