A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
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*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
the composer
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario