Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
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CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
a god among men
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.