One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
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How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes