Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
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Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless