DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
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Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.