Funny because it’s true. 🤣
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Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Pizza is an emotion right?
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
jesus christ confetti not now
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.