Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
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‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
My inexpensive home security system…
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?