Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
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My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin